Last week was terrible, losing two great celebrities that have personally brought me so much joy. Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain in the span of a couple days, well it broke my heart. Rip to both of them and my heart sends blessings to the families.
To be honest, I try my very best to always find the silver lining, because I know myself well enough to know that if I waiver or let myself see how terrible something is, instead of what else can be said positively, I too will feel depressed. So this is all I have to say about how depression feels to me…
I can’t speak on behalf of the whole “depressed community” so that’s not what this is as a whole, but I know there have been many times where I too have felt like giving up. I’ve felt so extremely alone and small, even through roommates or family close by. Yet, that didn’t matter, my mind was so wired to tell me how alone I was, I could have been a room full of loved ones and felt like the only person in the room that was weird or unsocial, “I mean who would even like me?” Those are the thoughts that unravel within a small dull moment. It’s like living in a shallow, cold, grey room of loneliness.
To find the door out of that room is so exhausting. To even think about continuing down that path, where you constantly need to confront and meet your demons – to find glimpses of joy – would keep me unmotivated, doing absolutely nothing but breathing.
Sometimes it is a constant fight to feel happiness. It can get the best of me and sometimes the overwhelming sensation that everything is wrong, leads me to give in. On those days though, I allow myself to rest. Sleeping in my bed with the covers pulled up to my head, thinking those thoughts of feeling like a failure, all before it’s even begun. I feel small.
I mean, “Who am I to think I can be somebody great in this world?” That’s the thought that always comes to mind, making the walls feel sunken, the world a massive wandering ground for the strong, yet I am the weak. I don’t know where to go from here. Even with gratitude and positivity, it doesn’t seem to change. There’s the climbing up a mountain that’s neverending, my own mind is my Everest, and I can’t turn around or escape, because that’s just me. It’s in me. I know I want to be happy, but my mind doesn’t allow me to understand the circumstances to do so. It only tells me all the things I want to fall victim to. If I never try, I’ll never disappoint myself.
And yeah, we throw around a suicide hotline, which by all means is great. If that’s what you feel like is good for you, I commend anyone willing to help or take that help.
But for those who don’t understand this thing inside of me, the suicide hotline isn’t stopping me from self-inflicting pain. I’m already doing that, organically, inside of me, the pain is there trying to get out. I’m bursting at the seems with sadness that consumes me with every breath, as it’s hard to breathe, it’s hard to think, it’s hard to understand that my mind is playing a devilish trick on me. This feels like me…Which makes it so extremely personal that I can’t simply call a stranger or someone I don’t know, or the friend-whos-actually-my-friend but at this moment feels like a complete stranger that I know won’t care about me or what happens to me… Why would they?
Instead what I’m searching for is a connection from the world outside my body. I need to be grounded and brought back to reality. I need in-real-life scenarios, that force me to understand that others DO care what happens to me. It’s scary because maybe you didn’t see the signs on how sad I was, but then again, maybe you did. Maybe someone else did and said, “Oh well, someone else will take care of that…”
And that’s just the start of it. That’s not including the mindless abuse of things to try and feel better if even only for moments at a time…
I only write this to try to touch on how it might feel to be severely depressed. I’m not a developed enough writer yet to really give you the hand-around-your-heart feeling of what it is like, but at least it’s a point of view for others to understand, but also for others to know…
You’re not alone. No matter what your mind says.
There is always someone there for you. If it’s the hotline, hit them up,
National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
You may have to fight your way through, but life is a battle for us all. Some may have it a bit easier, but we can never compare our path to another, for we truly cannot see another’s path as clearly as ours.
For the last few years, I’ve felt my depression here and there on what I deem a fair amount. Fair meaning, people get depressed and that’s okay. It’s when we are dealing with it to the point that we feel like we’ve already drowned… That I haven’t felt in four years already. Four years ago, this summer, I started down my path of gratitude and spirituality, and here I stand my friends, happier than I ever imagined I could be.
Nothing is perfect — by no means, my life isn’t where I thought it’d be or even where I want it to be, but I know that if I can come out of that ^ and be here, sunny and bright, ultimately grateful for how my life is, I know one day I’ll get to where I want to go… I’m open and ready to receive great blessings. What about you?
I hope this brings understanding to some.
I hope this brings a bit of faith to others.
My direct email is in the contact me page but if you forget it, it’s firstname.lastname@example.org – theres even a contact form below- reach out anytime. I’m not a doctor so it won’t be professional help, but it’ll be help from a friend who’s felt down… I’m also not particularly quick at responding (depending on the day), but I WILL respond. You are not alone in this wacky world, just as I learned I’m not alone in this world.
Love + Light,